Poetry- Exile by Choice

I took a ride in the tumble dryer at the Laundromat down the block
The dying fluorescent lights alternating in their illumination looked beautiful
1000 rotations per minute at the hottest setting
The spinning stops hands reach into my steel cylindrical world
Shake me out fold me up
Nice neat little square of expectations hopes dreams
Stay in the lines no wrinkles
They folded me wrong though, one sleeve folded forwards
Implying so much more than a little square of folded cloth should
Implying that maybe there was a life outside the lines
Slowly but surely the pressure of what might be forced wrinkles onto my smooth canvas
No longer a neat square, now something unrecognizable to the rest of the vanilla drawer
Everyday they inched me closer to exile
The dirty laundry hamper
Punishment for looking beyond what I was told to see
Seduced by the pull of what lies outside the lines
Send me back for a second baptism of washer and dryer
Maybe I’ll come out right this time
But maybe, wrinkled with one sleeve folded forward is how I’m supposed to be
Never meant for the top drawer
A lifelong aficionado of the dirty laundry hamper
An exile by choice

Poetry- Sacrifice

Desperately seeking some asylum of the mind
To fill this silence with something profound
I’ll settle for pertinent
A silver heart shaped thorn tearing through the petals of a willing rose
Giving petal after petal baring soft flesh in sacrifice
How many offerings bring the miracle to life
It does not matter the rose will never withhold
Take all the petals
Leave just a barren stem
A green wasteland holding the jagged remnants of beauty and self sacrificing strength
Giving even those last jagged petals
If you leave then leave nothing
Leave no traces of hope
A green landscape evacuated of beauty
Filling silence with what once was
Words never needing to hear themselves to be understood

Poetry- Forgotten I love you

do you know how it feels to feel forgotten
three thousand miles of water dwarfed
minescule in comparison to the distance created by you
i came to you
finally trusting that my openness, honesty, vulnerability
were safe
mistakenly thinking that physical closeness would cement all else
perfect in theory
beyond compare in reality
what happens now
was this some vivid dream
real enough to touch... is it real enough to last?
questioning for the first time
will you try with me?
i always leapt
not knowing but hoping you would be there to catch me
you've let me fall
now when things should be easiest
knowing absolutely what is in store
you push me away
validated by a notion of self preservation
harsh, cold, flippant
ever my sebastian
perfection trapped under ice
be sad with me
cry with me
scream at me
count the days till june with me
never hide from me
i refuse to let this crumble
i knew i was made for you before i ever held your hand
that has not, will not change
please
don't make me fight alone

Poetry- Breaking Beautifully

am i enough
this beautiful cyber optic dream
is it enough to keep him happy
sane
nothing would be too difficult
if it meant one moment with him
how hard on this day for lovers
knowing my forever is so far and so sad
we are so worth fighting for
though at every turn
the fight just gets harder
serendipity's joke
matching soulmates
seperating them by forever
a state of mind
reality an inconvenience
perhaps a warm up
these trials a cruel preparation for bliss
falling asleep to dreams of perfection
tears of frustration
wishing i could be more
praying that for now my heart and mind is enough

Poetry- Angel

in her a disasterous beauty
captured in chipped red nailpolish
an angel
wingless for dreams not lived
her grace a single thread
barely holding the shreds together
sheer thin delicate
barely covering her private self
from him she needs no cover
his trust her love
new threads for a new grace
new grace for a new angel
a resurrection of wings
each feather a dream to be lived
together
eternity promised
whispered with the hint of a kiss
rapidly falling angel
caught saved resotred
a serendipitous miracle
this new grace not comming from within
he is her grace
they are promise
we are hope

Poetry- Temptations

The bitter sweet temptation of flesh I cannot taste

Forced to settle for theoretical ghosts

Low calorie shadows of a real life Shangri la

Within you the whole of my sustenance

No want unanswered save that of your touch

Phantom hands ignite my skin

Written kisses warm my lips

The suggestion of nearness maddening

A cerebral carnal physical realization of my every dream

Thrilling stability and passionate trust

Perfection across 3000 miles

Unquestioned permanence

My past a warm up for our future

Eternity not long enough to spend with you

My forever

Poetry- Serendipity

A waking dream tempered by reality

Your non touch leaves breathless silence

This lingering sensation impossible

In absentia

Non kisses make words superfluous

Transcending distance I feel them

Words become reality

Our world

Water and distance loose meaning

Bowing to us

Somehow, despite them

Together

Finding each other

Strangers parted by simulated forever

A coincidence, proof

Fate

You knew my secrets

I shared your dreams

We have always known

Each other

Fantasy only now made flesh

For each, a lover, a friend, a future

In our non embrace lies

Forever

Poetry- Shattered

Lost

So very completely

Sinking through a bottomless world of responsibilities and maturity

Suffocated by who I'm supposed to be

Tears met with puzzlement

She cries?

An alabaster statuette

Sheds tears of violet

Neutered by a heart that wasn't supposed to break

Its white marble

Outlined in black

All the places where the unbreakable shattered

I wonder how he felt

Holding that white marble heart

As it broke

Poetry- Smoke

Sitting watching the smoke curl winding in elaborate patterns slowly fading into the black

The smoke is gone after a short while but the scent of it lingers

Bringing back memories of its ascent

Memories of its taste

How every pull felt

How like that smoke you are

When you wash over me intoxicating me from the brain down

My new addiction

Sweet and fresh you swore to me you would always be there to invade my senses

Getting each of my cells high on the drug that is you

Sated by the perfection that is us

Until you started to fade

Not in a matter of seconds like the smoke

Curling

Off this my third cigarette of the night

But slowly disappearing into just a memory

Like that scent of smoke lingering long after the cigarette has been reduced to ash

A memory like that scent still potent enough to make me want

Want you to wash over me again

To make me miss those countless times you took over my senses

Your lips

Your eyes

Your arms

The sound of your voice

A deadly combination

Eclipsing all else with a glance, a kiss, an … I love you

And me the willing addict waiting hoping for you to give me my fix

I tried to replace you with this smoke when you stopped being there

A new addiction to seduce my senses but it doesn't compare

This nicotine won't ever make me want like the memory of you always will

I won't long for its touch on my lips or its acrid taste in my mouth the way I long for your touch your taste

If only they made methadone for an addiction like you

Poetry- The Seduction

eyes locked across infinity
seduce me
my mind
a playground for the deviant
master
submissive
teacher
student
rewrite my rules
i dare you
challenge me
its my game but
i need you to play
wanton desire
a touch
a phantom
ignite my skin
devastate my mind
take me beyond where ive been
you can
in your kiss
your touch
show me
what it means to burn

Poetry- Penn Station

t's 9 am and already the day is speeding to nowhere
like the trains in and out of penn station
always rushing but never actually going
back and forth
down the samee tracks
to the same stops
they race frantically
to maintain a schedule which tomorrow
will mean as much as the paper its printed on
nothing
people in offices are like the trains at penn station
they hurry about their tasks rushing to maintain a schedule
which will change tomorrow
why do we rush
what inflated notion of self importance
makes us truly believe that sorting the mail is urgent
could it be that same notion that keeps the trains at penn station speeding to nowhere
filled with office workers
the same office workers who once safely delivered to their destinations
will in turn become trains themselves
miniatures of those desperately racing in and out of penn station
a never ending race to nothing

Poetry- Revalations

All potential evaporated in an instant

Its lethal

The razor thin line separating lover and friend

Once crossed

You can no more turn back than heal

Every touch every glance every word

Pregnant

Filled with lost potential all the things that might have been

To have been oblivious indefinitely

A blessing denied

All the mistakes I knew I was making

Outlined in sharp relief against the comfort of disconnectedness

How easy it would be to be cold

How grateful I am that im not

Then id have missed the moment

Serendipity intervened

A friend a partner a future lover

Imposible and perfect

My trust heart and body already his from an eternity away

Crossing that line the one risk ill never regret

Poetry- Frustrations

to escape a lovers embrace
a pair
their sweetly kissing
softly killing
kindness, decency, respect
lying within a lie
their "love"
a shadow
themselves
poor substitutes
for us
obnoxious
vulgarity of the highest order
forcing their poorly written sex scenes
into our laps
laps meant to be filled with eachother
emptied by distance
held in the vice grip of want
force fed patience
while these young fools feast
to have for one hour
what they take for granted
the gentlest touch of our lips
euthenizing
that desperate imitation love

Poetry- Teacher

a symphony of heavy breathing
the fast slow friction of hips
genderless faceless
anonymous
bodies clothed in satin sheets
nothing beyond the climax
holding tightly
to phone calls i knew id never make
proving again and again
im worth it
my audience momentarily captivated
moments later forgotten
needing nothing but my next challenge
empty goals for people with lives full of non me
why
because i could
because i needed approval
acceptance
a reason
maybe
fighting for an identity not otherwise defined
beyond the bedroom
im just
me
faceless
another girl in a sea of the same
that alone defines me
my lack of fitting in
to what though
what image am i supposed to be
innocent, perverse
intelligent, helpless
strong, femenine
independent, devoted
all and none
defined, undefined by things
never learned, yet me
teach me baby to be more than a climax
not a goal or a challenge
commitment
teach me
forever
unhesitatingly yours
take them
secrets fears desires
all my honesty
teach me
me
u
i knew
before i met u

Poetry- Silent Reverie

Your fingertips

Set fire to my skin

A touch

Redefines my prettiest words

Your chest rising, falling slowly

Asleep

Reminds me to breathe

I exist in your heartbeats

Quietly

Lying at your side

I'm watching you

Perfection

Your arms close tighter

As my lips brush yours I

Awake

Alone on fire breaths rushed

I close my eyes and remember

Amazing

You a dream I can speak to

Our memories yet unmade

Poetry- Memory Lane

is it my tears that they crave
the iron sweet taste of my blood
what can make them feel whole
my willing self is never enough
its the secret private pieces of me they lust for
my pain my tears my blood
nothing ever sates them
my voice crying pleading
falling on deaf ears
.. a waste of breath
will i ever be more
than a feeling, a night, a regret
am i ever going to be
more than an interactive toy
a technicolor plaything
retiring myself
no more will these arms, these legs, this body and mind play host
welcoming
whomever wants me
liars
whoever promises me love
falsely
i am nothing
a creation of what makes them whole
a chameleon, a lie
perpetuating a myth of importance

Poetry- Rspture's forgotten

hints of bliss
tasted for seconds
tantalizing post cards from shangri la
observing out of body
the sole craving driving you
forward
surging towards the lucky
barred by the unmovable
reality
mistakes fights sex love
unknowable and familiar
rebuild real with me
a real without reality
the rapture
rented by others
belongs to us
we deign to live in shangri la
tasting bliss with every shared breath
choosing to be forgotten
finding rapture
in each other

Poetry- weakness

to be outside myself
seeing me as you see me
am i weak to you
am i a toy
picked up manipulated
dropped at your convenience
do i matter to you now
did i matter then
u asked me for eternity
to give up my name
i said i would
a legal certificate of ownership
i would so willingly have signed
a whispered i love you
as you walked out my door
for the last time
if only id known id never feel your lips again
never smell your hair, your skin
never wake up safe in your arms
when did we become past tense
when did eternity end
i remember how it felt
when u put that ring on my finger
how it felt when i said yes
how it felt when u broke me
how it felt taking that ring
off
your i love you's still burn
your kisses indelibly etched on my skin
you wait for my weakest moments to return
a blazing reminder of what is lost
preying on my sympathy my affection
the lingering memories
of a love that almost broke me
to know that i burn you
the way you burn me
a sense of closure
eternally denied
how i begged
how u didnt care
how i waited
how u never came
when i needed you
always you deserted me
and yet
with a single hello
captivated
all hurt all fear all pain
eclipsed
just as easily
with a single word
my worth my humanity
in doubt
i lived and died
in the space between your words
this is a last farewell
final closure
taken by a ghost
created by but now free from
the wake of you
goodbye

Poetry- Study of a girl in blue

is college really supposed to be like this
perpetual questioning of intelligence, worth
an arbitrary system numbers letters percentages
odds always stacked in favor of those who aren't
you
hours of working learning understanding
fighting grasping desperately at concepts
needing to prove ourselves, prove we're worth the privelage
of feeling worthless
never approving always searching
for someone better
smarter
faster
more pliable
mold me in your image
a tyrant
king of nothing
defined by the walls of a classroom
influence extending nowhere
mourned only by a legacy of frustration
your dreams stunted rotting
poisoning those you.... teach?
suffocate me, stunt me, stall my dreams
i dare you
tyrant of fools
try, just try to make me
you

Poetry- Aggression

kiss me with your anger
tense words caress my skin
this dance, again
repeated endlessly
never finished
seduce me with your silence
words unspoken reverberate
jarr and captivate my senses
addicted to your apathy
drawn ever closer to a soul that seats one
break me with your arrogance
a disposable ego boost
know i am so unlike any other
a risk you say
threatening your phantom control
an equal i say
challenging your complacency
never subordinate
breathing contradiction
antiquated gender roles
crumble
vast and terrifying complexity
within me
a frontier
needed
yet never known
cowardice
loosing the greatest prize you never won
your one time brilliance dulled
potential turned to past tense
so simple a decision
thankfully
decided by a stranger
cyberoptic perfection in flesh
in an instant shading you gray
did you not get the email?
you're six months past your exit

Poetry- Breathing lessons

how do i learn to miss u
to breathe in those moments we're so far
my solace my safety my passion
so much despite absentia
in these moments of contentment... questioning
am i strong enough
loving you
needing you
lost in moments without you
teach me not to hurt
a dull perpetual ache
so integral a piece
missing
having so much
a perfect match
needing reassurance in a kiss
3000 miles too far to taste
assured forever tried by time
i need the strength to change what i can
accept what i cant
you're my perfect forever
future so far from now
teach me the time until then

Poetry- counting down

this countdown to Armageddon
forceful and ostentatious displays of emotion
fundamentally defy self control
the thought of missed kisses empty beds absent arms
too much
concentrate on breathing on moments on.. today
will away the impending eternity of separation
a temporary eternity measured in weeks, months
time dragging endlessly until our next kiss
memorizing every plane of his face
the scent of his hair and skin
all i have between now and then
images seen only with closed eyes
tenuous olfactory connection to heaven
breathing him in with closed eyes and gentle smile
inhaling the perfection we will have
.. the singular positive of our time apart
anticipation of the next time we are together

Poetry- safe house

My safe house closed
A necessary preservation
Crumbling
Crushed under burdens not its own
Taken on without hesitation
I a border in this house
So selfish, so demanding
Every ounce of strength time and attention
Greedily devoured
More offerings of his exceptional human soul
Expected immediately
Withholding nothing he gives me the last nail
I stand waiting for another barely acknowledging the first
This lease extending into eternity never negating the urgency of my demands
Never softening the blows of my perpetual dissatisfaction, despite all
Fear of eviction desertion overriding
My safe house, my personal saint
Undone by me
Never realizing
The extent to which I’d stripped this beautiful soul bare
No longer can this house for so long my one safe shelter stand alone
So retreat now, be weak
It’s long past my time to be strong
Rebuild yourself in my shelter, restore with all I have
It’s yours and always has been
I give you this time alone knowing our forever together
Let me now be your safe house your saint

Poetry- Saxophone Streets

Night time streets are saxophones
The darkness suggesting so much more than asphalt and paint
Curvaceous and fluid the body of the sax
It winds seductively languorously into the music it makes
Then back into the instrument
Streetlights are the keys you know
The keys and the notes in one un ending fluid dark
A song played by every person who drives those streets
Who adds the staccato of their footsteps to the asphalt staff
The scars and pot holes are rainbow filled vibratos
Moments singular where color and music collide
In a time devoid of light and life
So many think they are the same thing
Ignorant to they melody they write nightly
The horns pipe in now angry and long
Punctuation to a never ending sentence
Angry words from angry mouths lost to the rhythm of a song no one hears
The lives lost on these saxophone streets
A soft ephemeral wind section
Whispering lullaby warnings against bad decisions and late nights
Always tempting calling for one more to the chorus of never spoken goodbyes
It’s time for the wail of sirens in this phrase
The double time rhythm of ambulance lights
A red period
Radio static bringing this symphony into the twenty first century
Quiet now time will tell whether the wind has one more voice
The black giving way to violet then crimson
For fleeting moments the new born light glints off these saxophone streets
As the crimson gives way to lighter hues the symphony is lost
Once again dull asphalt and chipped paint
Drawing the unwitting toward another night time performance