Yemassa

Speeding down a washed out expanse of highway the monotony of road travel was overwhelming. Any sense of adventure which formerly imbued long road excursions with daring vitality had slowly been sapped by the bright fluorescence of exclamation mark advertisements. The once open and wild road tamed by the regularity of service stations offering every comfort of home even that staple of yuppie sustenance- Starbucks. Gone was the highway romanticized throughout history as a proving ground for the brave and the dastardly, imperceptible beneath the veneer of utter safety was the palpable sense of danger omnipresent in the work of Hunter S. Thompson. Journeying back north through Columbia South Carolina, I-95 though spotted gracefully with wild Spanish moss covered palms was simply one more stretch of road, suggesting no more or less than the 753 miles of road surface still separating our car from home. No longer calling to the wanderlust traveler, these open stretches of road, diminished, were simply a conveyance.
The unending diversity of and burgeoning industry in “entertainment” read diversionary devices deemed essential on long car rides is a testament to how utterly road trips have been robbed of their wonder. Cell phones, televisions, DVD players, stereo systems, e-book readers, even the tiny laptop which this digression comes to you courtesy of. So homogenized has this country become that simply driving a reasonably direct route from top to bottom one would hardly notice the difference from one state to the next save a change in external temperature, subtle changes of flora, and that enemy the passage of time.
A new passion for photography left me poised eagerly in the front passenger seat, digital camera in hand ready for inspiration to strike at any moment. After the first 4 hours of car travel along this highway, inspiration was still conspicuously absent. Certainly, there were the occasional pictures of interesting trees or amusing vehicles cohabitating on the asphalt with us for brief stretches of faded pavement. Nothing though, in the nearly 400 elapsed miles suggested anything more than what it superficially was. Simply, in those 400 miles of open road through Florida and Georgia there had been nothing to marvel at, not a single recognizable instance of wonder.
As though afflicted by a wasting disease not only had the road lost its wonder, so too was the brilliance of the surrounding scenery being diminished. Trees planted in neat rows, shoulders mowed to exacting standards. In a word the whole affair had become rather, neat, a rather unnatural state of affairs for nature. As with most things in the United States, even the highway had become sanitized and packaged for safe consumption. Endless safety indications and warning signs, instructing drivers on the acceptable method for handling even the most imperceptibly inclement of weather or other road conditions. Miles of warning for a 300 yard stretch of construction. Oranges and yellows found not in lurid flora at sunset but rather industrial tape and signage. All the natural bits of nature around the road neatly manicured and boxed for convenience.
By the time you reach your fifth hour on the road the difference in perception between youth and adulthood is presented in startling clarity. Passing cars conveying children along these same roads to their eagerly anticipated destinations, their faces pressed to the car windows pointing excitedly at cars, trees, clouds, they marvel at things which I were I not determined to locate inspiration on these newly desolate passage ways would otherwise have missed. How easy it is for that sense of wonder to slip quietly away replaced by a vacuous emptiness demanding constant instant gratification.
Staring somewhat dejectedly out the window exits flew past, names of towns I will probably never visit occupying no more space in my mind than the individual blades of grass blurred into an undulating sea of Kelly green outside the tinted windows. Music and cold air blast through the car, forcibly rousing the numbed minds of those passengers idly speeding towards a destination still hours away. One exit looking like the next, mile markers the only indication that we weren’t driving on a soundstage in front of a looped reel of generic US highway scenery. The searing heat of late July in the deep south buffered effectively by the cool leather interior and superior air conditioning of the car. Circulated air was devoid not only of the heat and humidity hanging in the air just outside the windows but also the smells of the trees and the tangible damp of late summer afternoons. Our car could literally be plucked from the road surface and dropped at any other point on this road with no immediate difference to the passengers, done fast enough it’s likely we wouldn’t even notice.
Settling into that forced uncomfortable sleep of long road trips I braced my forehead against the cool of the window angling my body to tease the maximum of physical comfort from the plush leather seat. My vision was temporarily obscured by the vulgar institutional green of highway signage. Settling into the empty sleep of an idling mind, I looked out the window one last time before unconsciousness claimed me. Exit 43 Yemassa and Hampton. As though a revelation in reflective green, the sight behind the sign evoked, feeling. Curiosity for the first time in over 400 miles. An unassuming turn off of an unassuming stretch of highway somehow though it was something more than that. Bordered by a wall of rich evergreen trees, a bend in the road just feet after the turnoff robbed passersby of even a glimpse at what lay beyond. I wanted to know, what lay beyond that second turn. What was in Yemassa? Was it perhaps a sleepy little town? Something out of time where lazy southern streams drew crowds of children equipped only with their imaginations ready to explore the seven seas without the assistance of videogames or television programs laden with CGI.
The growing shadows of evergreens draped languorously across the black asphalt inviting as the silk sheets of a lovers bed daring you to explore what lay beneath. As quickly as it captivated, it was gone. A brief moment in time in which the possibility of surprise stirred in me emotion, the genuine desire to know what lay beyond those trees just out of sight. In that moment the persistent synthetic backing track of the pop music faded succumbing to the laughter of the children that might live just beyond that impenetrable wall of green. The cold blasts of dry odorless air replaced by the possibility of what the air in Yemassa might smell like, the way it would feel enveloping me in thick humidity heavy with the smell of trees and grass.
Now, two hundred miles past that accidental inspiration the lingering scent of what those trees may have smelled like colors my perception of the smell inside the car. A hint of dewy warmth making the sun glinting off the windshield evoke thoughts of what it would be like to sit by that maybe stream babbling softly in accompaniment to those maybe children imagining wonder into their world. Closing my eyes not in idle mindless unconsciousness but lost in a dream of a town I’ll never see. The maybe of what couldn’t be seen beyond those trees imagined into a million permutations of a town laying sleepily in South Carolina waiting to be discovered by someone resisting their rush.
One late summer afternoon, that person will be me. It will be the shadow of my car blazing a dark stripe though the shadow of those trees, windows rolled down inhaling the reality of that imagined air. Maybe though, never seeing Yemassa would be best. The infinite potentials of that maybe town brought home the realization that simply imagining wonder into the world is where that innocent enthusiasm in children comes from. Bounded only by the constraints of imagination, exit 43 to Yemassa breathed renewed life into an imagination that had become so consumed with reality that the surreal, the possibility of even the most beautiful maybes was lost. Luckily though, on one sleepy southern afternoon at the end of July, an unassuming turn off of an unassuming stretch of highway- exit 43 to Yemassa- imagined my imagination back into existence.

Endlessly

Endlessly I stepped down

Off of the last step and into the sea

An impressionists painting of calming dark

Surround me

Hues unimagined in the color composed of them all

The cold reality of truth permeating my entirety

Weightlessly falling away from the light

Suspend me

Held eternally in the dusk

Arms reaching for the sun in surrender

Acceptant of this my fate

End me

Swaddled in the caress of the current

Pulling me deeper and farther from my last act

The step repeated infinitely in my last moment

See me

A snowflake ghost gleaming fair in the dark

Dancing one last dizzying waltz to extinction

Eyes locked fatally on a dream

Faithfully Faithless

Do they still burn you for the blasphemy of accepting the comfort of ignorance

Giving in to the desire to fulfill and satisfy the tangibility of existence

Living exclusively for a now and not a next

Devouring the full weight of experience as though a souls sole sustenance in the desert

Is a God that would punish a doomed being’s selfishness worth worship

Comparatively

Sightless, soundless, speechless

We the very definition of transience presented with Eden

Expected to serve eternal for the privilege

From what place of fear is this notion of creation born

What perverse irony pressures so unending a search for the machinations behind miracles

We quest for Heaven only to dismantle it molecule by molecule

Pursuing blindly yet wholly dismissive of the singular instance which defies yet defines science

The new priesthood one of nonbelievers happy to simply be without explanation

Cathedrals built to self importance dwarf those built to the vengeful god and gods of old

Is that what happens when salvation is “his “ and “his” alone to grant

When our instant of awareness in forever is spent subservient to the potential of a potentially absentee parent

Disbelief the only religious fervor left

Heaven's Harlot

Blushed flesh supple

Languorously draped over symmetrical bones

Taught and giving in kind to the desire of eyes

Perfect innocence ruddy with carnal knowledge

A terminal for comings and goings

Vacant

Beyond the ebb and flow of those who seek to fill

Given to giving all repeatedly

Prototypical sin

Mens Rea in Absentia

Windmills

I do not know you to miss you and yet

I do

Mourn the absence of perfections touch

The knowing way your hand will find mine in the dark

Your mind enveloping mine

Bringing all that I am to the end of existence

Imagined

Leading me and being lead in turn

Unyielding beauty encased in flesh

The transience of youth belying untold wisdoms

Brought down through time a singular soul displaced to match my own

In knowing you I will know wonder

As though mans first sight of the stars in the night sky

In loving you I will be redeemed

You the absolution of a sinner’s lifetime spent

In waiting for you I will know humility

Time passing in proportion to my pride, arrogance

In believing that you are- somewhere and sometime- I will know faith

The absolute certainty of your existence belief more fervent than that in God himself

A single kiss, comingling of ourselves, I would wait an eternity to feel once


Happily I would that, in that instant, my forever be spent


Singularity

Intimate Greeting

What will your mouth tell mine silently

Submission implicit in the parting of my lips

Eyes closing in acquiescence to the barrage on my senses

Leave nothing in me untouched

Kiss not my mouth with yours but rather the very essence of all that I am

Taste me undiluted

Know my bitter as you do my sweet

My venom to which perhaps you are the antidote

If yours are the lips meant for mine then take even my last breath in pursuit of our kiss

Will I know you from the blush of first glance

Your touch igniting in me that which has yet to be kindled

Perfect dream I have still yet to see you

Now though, surveying all that I know with newborn eyes

Finally

I am ready to meet you

New

With but a whisper you’re gone

Warm as the bed we lay in

A memory too fresh to be past

Our dreams and wishes slowly fading embers

Where did I lose you

Was losing you a consequence of losing myself

Ephemeral, a comets tail whisper of an almost life

The laughter of children we could have had

Fades

I’m left with a whole self wholly absent from you

I am alive

I have changed

I will thrive

Intricate

Strands of a life

Chosen

Specific appeal for a stranger

Winding ever tightening

Drawing you near

Lured by your missing place in her tapestry

Silhouetted against the ephemeral background of superficial perfection

Tied

Unwittingly into a portrait of love forced

Organically inorganic in love

The synchronized dance of a master strategist

Gestures of grandiose delusion

Forever in each implication

Kisses

Contracted in text

Mired in unmade promises

Entanglement by design

While it Burns

Fragile

Years of cards stacked precariously skyward

Tenuous at best

Bridges to heaven intended to fall

Selves incarnated and again

Disintegrating with the plans that built their lives

Expectations of perfection

Driving ghosts of self relentlessly forward

Immolated in the barrier between then and now

Offerings to fate

Glowing in my reverie of past

Holy observances for a newborn self

Growing in the uncharted freedoms of failed plans

Time newly unspoken for

What this way lies

Unknown

Recovery

The memory of familiar poisons

Suggestions of analgesia

Bottles, baggies, bodies

Beacons

Refuge in a barren September

Theirs a familiar numbness

Promising respite in my moments of weakness

Step back from the claiming sea

Lurid with the incandescence of so many other souls succumbed

Soft undulations of dreamless nights

Tantalize a nightmare addled mind

Sleeplessness threatening resolution

Sadness threatening desire

Identification of worth

Fleeting

Clarity of necessity

Pushes an agenda of permanence

Health over hedonism

Pleasure sought in the respectable

The taming and the saving of Trouble

Diverge

Sweet innocent obsession
Your words of soft indecency mar our driven snow path
Winding languorously along the curves of our almost lovers bodies
Palpitating in the tumult of your suggested breath on my skin
Soft alabaster patiently bare for your razing
Burned and again by the singularity of your kiss

For He

How do I love thee sweetly
Whose softly glancing would to wrest my world asunder
How do I love thee wholly
Whose ignorant embrace would to break my heart completely
How do I find your lips
Whose indulgent perfection would to dismantle a home not ours
How do I yearn for your touch
Whose midnight indiscretion would to set me ablaze for hours
With words not meant for a woman such as I how do I unlove thee
Whose unyielding perfection would to capture my entirety

Oblivious

Oh how I want you to break me beautifully
The exquisite torture of your caressing words
Cauterizing the pathways of your ghost finger tips
How you can impose the immediacy of exile
Holding me close to you in the absence of your conscious love
Your heart so ripe for my taking while your head grazes greener
Unable to see the reality of this kindred longing desperately for your touch
Looking through me to fleeting images of almost kisses
Unseeing angel
Linger for a moment on the dream of my lips
Breathe in the reality that should be we
I am here as I have always been
Bare for your razing
Write me a love letter with my ashes

A heart breaking beauty

You my most perfect purgatory
A waking dream that holds my secrets and gives none back
Simultaneously you anchor and destroy my reality
How excruciatingly almost we have both always been
A world of grayscale when you’re gone
You give color to my words
Confidence in never being alone in the vastness of human creation
Knowing without doubt that my soul has a mate
Together we have laid the groundwork for a thousand forevers
Permutations of perfection too complete to consider
Eternity that lives and dies in our unending indecision
Folding in on each other separated by the reality of two lives diverged
Made for each other in some other almost lifetime
Tasting just a hint of the bliss of one separated soul colliding
Out of time, out of place, out of sync with a world not ready
I will find you always in forever
Waiting patiently for the day our waiting ends
Rapture

Memento Mori

And if this is all we have
This moment in the vast darkness of time
Just here
Just now
What can we do but live
Freely, excruciatingly, completely
To sacrifice a single experience
Lurid, technicolor, frail, fleeting affair of the senses
For promises of something next
A next that may be heaven
But may just as well be a comfort in the night
A testament to the constant of human self importance
When I take my last breath, whenever that moment comes
As darkness clouds these eyes for the last time
To have but an instant of regret, doubt, the thought of what might have been
All else aside would be the total failure of this life
This precious collision of chemistry and philosophy
Brilliance however accidental and pervasive ignorance
If there is a day when I will be judged
Judged for my deeds, my thoughts, my everything that has colored these days as mine
My only defence will be
Surely having given us life your intention was for us to live
I have
I am
I will continue
Without apology
Choosing decidedly to burn in the next should there be one than miss a moment of now

Dorian Gray

I’ll make you a charm on my bracelet of sin
Sweet stolen secrets embossed in my skin
I’ll trade you my charm for this piece of your soul
A tiny remembrance that will never grow old
Your visage preserved in that moment of time
One solitary instant in which you were mine
Never wanting more than that single congress
Vividly rendered the taste of your kiss
A figurine gold nestled close to my heart
That glorious decadence life rendered art
And you my sweet stranger immortal shall be
Our moment forever captured
Swift fleeting beauty